“ And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife. ”
“Simple Kind of Life” - No Doubt
Please someone tell me what’s the obsession with this girl? She sings like the drunken people at karaoke. Blarg. If she can get a record deal, I DEFINITELY have a chance.
Condoms and IUD's and possible babies....oh my!
Dear ask Olivia,
What do you do when you purchased a large quantity of condoms from a reputable source, but for some reason, all of the people who are using the condoms keep getting girls who are also on birth control pregnant? To explain - my roommate and I have been sharing the same cache of condoms for quite some time because, let’s face it, we should not be reproducing and we sleep with some skanky bus stop hos. But my roommate, whom we’ll call “Hammy”, got a girlfriend, who even had an IUD, AND he wore protection, and now she’s 8 weeks pregnant. In my own case, I went home on vacation and to visit my [redacted], and while I was there, I managed to hook up with an old flame who also had an IUD. But, being the smart man I am, I decided to wear a rubber anyway. So, she calls me up yesterday and says she took a test that came out positive and has a doctor’s appointment on Friday. Which reminds me of another question - what is a good medium to break the news to people that I might have really bad luck as such? Especially one of my less approving friends, whom we’ll call “Mrs. X”..
Anyway, I read your column daily, and I hope you have some good advice for an idiot kid who only wanted to live up to his older sister’s good standard. Please help!
Signed,
Nervous Ned
Dear Ned,
First of all, you crack me up with the “I read your column daily”. That’s funny. Ok. Addressing the issues.
I’m thinking that you guys have found some gold diggers. They know that you both are gainfully employed and they will ALWAYS have child support. I’m sorry, but IUD’s are more effective than the pill (99.2-99.9% as opposed to the pills 92-95%). AND you guys wore condoms on top of it. Bitches are either lying about the IUD’s, or they’re lying about you being the dad. Either way, I wouldn’t offer ANY assistance until they have proof that you guys are the fathers. Ugh. Sounds like you need to stop picking up the bus stop ho’s. As far as judgemental Mrs. X, tell her to shut the fuck up. More than likely this person is an even bigger hoor than the gals you’re banging. And she’s probably jealous cause she wishes it were her. I’m presuming the X means she’s an ex, and let me tell ya, don’t go down that road again. They’re ex’s for a reason. Learn from it. I wish you well. Please keep me updated.
Alright my lovlies. I hope you have a great day. Please keep those letters coming!
Blank Canvas
Soo…this is my first time on tumblr. I’ve seen so many people get involved, I thought I would, too. Good times. As it says there on the side, this is an advice column. But since I’ve yet to receive emails, I thought I’d take this moment to introduce myself.
I was born and raised in the Panhandle of Florida. There are 2 types of Floridians: ones that stay all their lives and the ones that try to get out the first chance they get. That was me. It took a couple failed attempts, but finally, three years ago, I cut loose. Haven’t looked back since. I’ve been through some shitty situations with love. Even worse with family. So you name it, I’ve probably been through it or know of someone who has. Well, I’ll keep this short. Hope to hear from people soon!
